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Vetting Dating Vets
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by Andy Cowan
TheSyndicatedNews columnist
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
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With New York's sanction of same-sex marriage, the first same-sex divorce can't be very far behind. The grounds: irreconcilable similarities. "You leave the seat up all the time." "You leave the seat up all the time."
When it comes to similarities, most of us are combing for at least a few between ourselves and our prospective partners. But one thing men and women both have that dating sites rarely if ever mention: Imperfections.
What if a site trumpeted our all too human sides, yes - proudly? In the interest of full disclosure, you'd be assured of no nasty surprises later. Instead of time-released flies in the ointment, Cuttothechase.com would make them buzz-worthy from the get-go.
First, that all-important Jpeg.
Say goodbye to flattering lighting and Photoshopping sprees. Farewell to frozen images as accurate as the frozen dinner cartons that embellish the barely recognizable "meat" inside. Wake up to a whole new world of Internet dating by combing through sleepy-eyed strangers after they first awaken in the morning.
A Cuttothechase photographer would be camped out on location to make sure it's not an impeccably-coiffed Laura Petrie "waking up" after a fake night sleep, but the real deal in all its gory, uh, glory.
But Cuttothechase wouldn't stop there. Hung over? Having a bad hair day? Smile and say "cheese."
As for the handle above your image, forget the uplifting "Let the sun shine in" aphorisms. Your Cuttothechase adage for all to associate with the essence of your being is the answer to one simple question: What do you yell during fits of road rage?
If your diatribe is already taken, you can always be "Move Your SUV, You S.O.B. 2" (or 202).
Why entrust a description of yourself to someone as un-objective as you? Cuttothechase directs its personality profile questionnaires to the e-mail address of the last person who dumped you.
The only question you need answer: What is the e-mail address of the last person who dumped you?
As for the normal things you like to do for fun, Cutttothechase isn't really interested. Unless it's the spiteful things you like to do for fun. Dancing - who cares? Dancing on the pretend grave of the person who dumped you - now we're talking.
Last read: Lincoln's biography? Yawn. Prozac label? Sign in here.
If potential running mates need to be vetted, why not potential soulmates? Should you still manage to win each other's votes in the end, your relationship could stand a fighting chance of going the distance. Keep up the good fights!
Published: Aug 24,2008 22:05
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Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
Paul M. J. Suchecki
Paul M. J. Suchecki has more than 30 years of experience as an award winning writer, producer, and cameraman. He's written numerous newspaper and magazine articles. Currently he writes, produces and shoots for LA CityView Channel 35 and his more than 250 articles for Ehow.com are approaching half a million readers.
Coby Kindles
Coby Kindles is a freelance journalist, screenplay writer and essayist. She has been a staff writer at Knight Ridder and a regular contributor to The Associated Press.
Debbie Milam
Debbie Milam is a syndicated columnist for United Press International, an occupational therapist, family success consultant, and motivational speaker with more than 20 years experience. Her work on stress management, spirituality, parenting, and special-needs children has been featured in over 300 media outlets including First for Women, The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, The Hallmark Channel, PBS and WebMD.
Dan Rafter
Dan Rafter has covered the residential real estate industry for more than 15 years. He has contributed real estate stories to the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Business 2.0 Magazine, Home Magazine, Smart HomeOwner Magazine and many others.
Jack Nargundkar
Jack Nargundkar has been repeatedly published in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. He is also an author of "The Bush Diaries" published in July 2005.
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