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Top Ten Gagets for the College Wallet
by Kendra Wiseman
TheSyndicatedNews columnist

Kendra Wiseman's articles have appeared in numerous print and web media outlets, including the Sacramento News & Review and Her personal blog, Deflated Lantern, has been syndicated in the San Diego reader. Kendra specializes in humor, travel, and East Asian pieces, but can be persuaded to yammer about practically anything.

You’ve got your Ipod, you’ve got your laptop, and now your grubby little fingers are itching to push buttons on some new gear. Check out these must-haves for new and delicious ways to spend your burger-flipping cash. Now with 70% less Iproducts.

The Buddha Machine – Ok, ok, so the Buddha Machine has been out for a couple of years, but the only people that know what the hell it is are the white-cowboy-booted hispster kids who’ve already chewed it up, ingested its vibrations and spit it out. Now it’s our turn. Produced by the same factory that makes Buddhist chant players (no joke), the Buddha Machine plays a series of endlessly repeating ambient music loops created by electronic music legend FM3. Join the New York Times in calling it “beautifully useless”. Great for DJs, nervous wrecks, and clairvoyants. Retails for around $26.00

Mvix Media Center – Here’s one for the digitally obsessed. The new Mvix doesn’t come with its own hard drive, but that’s about all it doesn’t come with. Stick your favorite HD inside this magic box and watch as the functionality of your media collection reaches new and glorious heights. It connects to your network through Ethernet or Wireless. It connects to your HDTV through composite, component, s-video or DVI. It supports every type of media file (Mpeg, VOB, WMV 9, DivX, Xvid, MP3, WMA, AAC, Ogg, WAV and AC3) and can send them anywhere (your computer screen, your speakers, your TV, your panties, etc.). It slices, it dices, and it eats small animals. $299.99

Scrolling LED license plate frame – Have you ever wanted tell the guy in the car behind you that his front bumper is so far up your arse, he could give you a throat exam? Now you can do just that without ever taking your foot off the gas pedal. This license plate frame is equipped with a remote-controlled LED screen that scrolls your deepest desires and most urgent communiqués across the back of your vehicle. Providing, of course, that your deepest desires are no more than 120 characters long. Retails for $39.99

iPhone – Enough already. Seriously. Why is it that humanity can’t own a cell phone and an MP3 player without having to consolidate them into a super-drive infrared gadget of doom? Now you can loose your music collection and all of your phone numbers in one fell swoop.

Jabra BT8010 Headset – Still using ordinary headphones? Not for long, you’re not. The BT8010 is more than just a Bluetooth-enabled wireless headset. Predictably, you can use it to take mobile calls and store a personalized phonebook. Unpredictably, you can attach its second unit to listen to your audio collection between gab fests. My children will have one surgically grafted to their ears at birth. Log on to the Jabra website to check your phone’s compatibility.

USB Stealth Switch – Holy pornography, Batman, it’s about time. My fingers are so tired from using keyboard shortcuts to minimize my CounterStrike game every time the boss walks in, I can barely type this. But we secret slackers have hit the motherlode. This job-saving foot pedal is attached to your computer by USB port and hides under your desk for maximum surreptitiousness. One tap of the button closes all or some of the windows on your desktop or mutes your computer's sound. Bye-bye anxiety, hello internet solitaire. 29.99 Pounds (UK)

Taser C2 – Here’s one for the ladies. The Taser C2 is a - surprise! – taser gun for all your personal protection/creep-zapping needs. The C2 has a range of 15 electrifying feet, comes with an optional laser sight (for proper aim in the dark), and comes in sassy pink. This thing can be fired off around 50 times before it needs a recharge, so let loose and let the bastard have it. Rejected product names for the Taser C2 include “Mini Dog Tamer C2” and “Home Sterilization Kit C2”. $299.99

RFID Blocking Wallet – Daddy’s girls now have one less reason to break down into hysterical tears. The RFID blocking wallet ain’t pretty, but if you’ve got a bag full of spiffy touch-to-pay credit cards, this might ease your mind about identity theft. The wallet has a built-in anti-scanning mechanism that prevents digital thieves from remotely snatching information off your plastic. $19.99

Stripy Speakers – The world of electronics gets ever tinier, and these are no exception. Even with all the choices in speakers out there, it’s next to impossible to find a pair of speakers that sound great and also save space. There are probably better speaker options for the price, but these just look too good to resist. Oh, and they’re loud. Hook these up to your miniature computer, and let the blast of sound wash over you while you control the volume, treble and bass with a single multi-function button. If you’re still not convinced, know this: the button lights up. All this can be yours for only $95.00.

Washless Underwear - Thanks to the brilliant scientists at the US Air Force, now you can sit in front of your PlayStation for 17 days straight without ever smelling a whiff of cheese. That’s right, the military has developed self-cleaning, nano-particle underwear that kills bacteria and forces liquid to bead up and roll off. Your pants will be soaked and your couch will mildew, but your region will be blissfully sanitary, and mom can stop worrying what the paramedics will think. Now if only someone would invent invisible cordless catheters. Judging from the $20 million spent to develop the fabric, I’m guessing the retail price ranges from around one to two sacrificial virgins.

Published: Sep 8,2008 13:19
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