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Gay? Newly in Love? Better Get Gay-Co Relationship Insurance-
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by Margie Palmer
TheSyndicatedNews columnist
Margie Palmer has written for a number of magazines including the San Diego Magazine, In Los Angeles, and PULP Magazine.
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New Relationship? Better Get “Gay-Co”
A Fifteen Minute Call Can Save You 50% Or More On Relationship Fallout Damages
Margie M. Palmer
In the current day and age, you pretty much need to have insurance for everything. Brokers sell everything from health insurance, to car insurance, to homeowners insurance, and the last I heard according to the tabloids, Jennifer Lopez even has her derrière insured for a hot million dollars. Insurance. It's a policy you take out “just in case”. We hope for the best and do all we can to ensure that we travel our day to day path without incident, but boy.. are we thankful we have that insurance policy when something unforeseen goes wrong. Earlier last week I got to wondering- if a broker will underwrite an policy to insure a body part, why can't they do the same for a relationship?
Perhaps something could be said for the idea of insuring a relationship. With a little nudge, they may even be able to get Ellen De Generes to sign on to be their celebrity spokes person. Just as Gary Coleman is the best man for the “800-Cash-Call” commercials, Ellen is by far the best woman to plug insurance policy which would protect against what happens when a lesbian relationship goes very, very bad. Who knows, things between her and Anne may have ended much more smoothly...if she would have had Gay-Co.
“That's silly”, you think to yourself. “My new girl is incredible!” Sure, you'd like to think the best will happen, and that a War of the Roses style break-up will never be in your future, but can you really be a hundred percent confident? This- is where Gay-Co comes in. In an article printed earlier this year, I put the idea out that girls should come with papers- just like puppies do. But what happens if her papers have been forged? This- is where Gay-Co comes in.
At the beginning of what you are hoping will turn out to be the romance of your dreams, perhaps you decide you want to take out an insurance policy. You dig up the number and dial the Gay-Co hot-line, where a friendly Customer Care Representative takes your information and asks several questions about your new love interest. The two of you work together, carefully deciding which policy will best meet your needs. Do you want broken heart insurance? Do you want “oh my God what if she turns out to be Satan incarnate” insurance? Perhaps you'd like to insure future property, pets, bills unpaid, or damage to your credit. Cheating insurance? No problem. Maybe you'd like to discuss various warranty options- in which your new girlfriend would be repaired or replaced in the event of damage. At the end of the call, your friendly Gay-Co Customer Care Representative would provide you with a quote. He or she would also be able to inform you as to whether or not the relationship would be considered safe, or “high-risk”- because system notes would tell whether or not this person has had excessive claims filed against them by other people they've dated. (It's pretty much a guarantee that Gay-Co isn't going to insure a relationship a person knowingly enters into with a person who falls into this “high risk” category.)
But why relationship insurance? If you find yourself to be heart broken- no problem. Gay-Co would provide you $1,000 is dollar bills for use during a therapy session at your local strip club. If there is an issue regarding property lost / damaged / stolen by someone you've dated? That's not a problem either. Two friendly Gay-Co field representatives (lesbians driving a U-Haul painted with the words “Gay-Co Relationship Repossession”) would arrive at your door within hours and return your clothing, furniture, pets, and any other items to you. And guess what? Your Gay-Co policy also covers a percentage of monies lost due to shared credit card bills, phone bills, and will pay out the remaining portion of a lease should the two of you live together at the time of your break-up.
Gay-co would also be set up similar to some of the dating websites because during your initial call, your Customer Care Representative would have you fill out an in-depth profile and personality assessment. Why? Because if your new love interest turns out to be damaged, faulty, or needs to be replaced prior to the relationship's warranty expiration date, much like a car insurance company provides their customers “loaner” vehicles should their car or truck wind up in the shop, Gay-Co will provide policy holders with a temporary “replacement” girlfriend during their transition out of a relationship and back into the singles scene.
Should you choose, you also have the option of adding a Break-Up Under Catastrophic Circumstances clause to your policy (for an additional cost, of course). So, should you arrive home from a long weekend away, only to find out that your girlfriend has been cheating on you with, let's say, OJ Simpson, Gay-Co would have you covered. Under this type of scenario, your policy would cover an out of state move, a new car, and full makeover.
Are you laughing? I thought so. Because I'm willing to bet that you can think of one point in your life or the life of someone you know, that having Gay-Co would have been a Godsend. Several hours prior to writing this article I fielded the idea of a relationship insurance company to several friends. They all began to giggle, and everyone polled asked where they could sign up. The concept may be funny, but at the same time, I just might be onto something.
So in closing, remember, it's a rough world out there. Be careful. Don't date uninsured. Get Gay-Co. A fifteen minute call could save you up to 50% or more on relationship fallout damages.
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Published: Aug 28,2008 13:58
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Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
Paul M. J. Suchecki
Paul M. J. Suchecki has more than 30 years of experience as an award winning writer, producer, and cameraman. He's written numerous newspaper and magazine articles. Currently he writes, produces and shoots for LA CityView Channel 35 and his more than 250 articles for Ehow.com are approaching half a million readers.
Coby Kindles
Coby Kindles is a freelance journalist, screenplay writer and essayist. She has been a staff writer at Knight Ridder and a regular contributor to The Associated Press.
Debbie Milam
Debbie Milam is a syndicated columnist for United Press International, an occupational therapist, family success consultant, and motivational speaker with more than 20 years experience. Her work on stress management, spirituality, parenting, and special-needs children has been featured in over 300 media outlets including First for Women, The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, The Hallmark Channel, PBS and WebMD.
Dan Rafter
Dan Rafter has covered the residential real estate industry for more than 15 years. He has contributed real estate stories to the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Business 2.0 Magazine, Home Magazine, Smart HomeOwner Magazine and many others.
Jack Nargundkar
Jack Nargundkar has been repeatedly published in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. He is also an author of "The Bush Diaries" published in July 2005.
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